I keep thinking I know what I want. But it changes constantly. And no one will ever understand that. I’m at a stage in life where I should be able to be by myself. Sit alone for like few hours and not feel even a hint of loneliness.
But it’s not like that. We all need people. Real people who will be around when we want them to. Who will tell us what we want to hear. And who will listen to what we want to say.
But alas that’s not the case. There are many problems with that. Firstly, there are no ‘real’ people. I mean, who is real? Real as in, really themselves around you. There’s always a mask. I mean we all have these guards when we’re around others. We aren’t deceiving but just not real all the time. So what we have aren’t real friends mostly. It’s usually people who trust us enough to let us know a part of them they think is acceptable for us to know and handle. The rest is hidden. Locked away in a secret place and they won’t let it out. Not unless you confront them about something else you found out from another friend of this friend to whom they had show nanother part of them. It’s not as complicated as it sounds. It’s simple. So anyway, those are your ‘friends’.And then anyone you call a ‘close friend’ is probably someone who you have opened up a little wee bit more to. You have shared some of the crazy in you to them and they have as well. There is a mutual letting go. A sharing of information. A gradual testing of waters to see to what extent you can let go of your thoughts and yourself really and let them know you more and in turn know them more too.
But let’s face it, okay! No one is real to anyone else but to God and themselves.
And even these friends you think you can turn to may not always be there. Its not that they won’t. Sometimes they can’t. And sometimes when they are there for you, they aren’t there for you the way you want them to be there for you. I mean we all think we know what we want from people and we expect them to do what we want them to. But we don’t control lives. God does.
They won’t even say what we want them to. We can throw subtle hints. Big ones. Ask them shamelessly to say what we want to hear but they won’t. We can’t control minds either. None’s mind. Not even God’s. He will not tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes He won’t even talk when you want Him to. Or maybe He does. But we don’t hear. Anyways, I haven’t quite got that bit sorted yet.
So why this lament at this time of the night? I’m sure if anyone reads this blog they must definitely be either bored to death or deeply saddened. But that’s not what I intend to do. I don’t want to talk about all these crazy things but they’re on my mind.
I’m there again. Alone and have learnt a new lesson. Actually it’s an old lesson but in a new way. It’s got a new name now. It’s called ‘TALK TO JESUS AND DON’T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE COMPLICATED AND ONLY HE CAN FIGURE YOU OUT!’ It’s a hard one I tell you.
But you learn hard lessons the hard way. Cut away from many friends who knew me well (or so they thought and so did I); I am now thrown among people who can only hope to know me. The real me. The me that Jesus created – crazy thoughts, intense love, a passion for souls, an emotional mess, an imagination that won’t stop even for coffee– all in one package.