Trigger Warning: I’m writing after ages on this blog but have decided to cut the crap and go in deep. The stuff I share here today is personal and I choose to write about it because I’m done with dealing with stuff alone. I know many people are going through versions of what I’m talking about here and I think they’re ready to hear my raw reality. If that is you, know that clearly you aren’t alone. If it isn’t you, well, this is me.
Desire – Desperation – Disappointment – Devastation
Are you familiar with this morose cycle? Or is it just me? Do you know what it feels like to be in an infinite loop of deep desire, that turns into intense desperation, that then meets with imminent disappointment, which quickly morphs into devastation?
I am all too familiar with this loop. You see, Danny and I have been trying to conceive for a while now. And all this while, I’ve been consumed with a strong desire to have a biological child (This is in addition to my little Amy, who we’ve always wanted to adopt and are currently on a waiting list for. She’s on her way from the Father’s heart to our home).
But why this deep desire to have my own child? I don’t know. I’ve thought about the ‘why’ a lot. Maybe it’s because I’m 35 now and the infamous biological clock is quite palpably ticking? Maybe it is because I live with my brother’s two-year old twins who I see have transformed their lives with the joy that they bring? Maybe it is because so many of my friends are pregnant or have children? Maybe because I’ve told myself this is an essential for a “full” life experience? Maybe it’s because when you are married to someone you love so much who is made up of Greek-god looks, Anglo-Indian charm, the finest quality character and excellent moral fiber; you naturally want to procreate with them?
Anyhoo, I can’t pin-point the exact root of this deep desire but it has been in the forefront of my heart and has pretty much taken over my mind for the past year or so.
But, let’s talk about the loop again. Each month, for the past several months, has been this exact same cycle with me:
It starts each month with hope. Hope is a wonderfully weird thing. It’s great but it can consume you. It can inflate you with anticipation. So, I hope. I hope that this month is going to be the month that I find out I’m going to have my desire met.
What ensues is a long wait. Ugh! I hate waiting. I’m impatient. The wait is actually only for a few days but every minute is excruciating (only because I’m majorly obsessing about this “reality” that I’ve imagined exists). During the “wait”, I’m indulging in obsessive “preparation”. How am I going to tell my family I’m pregnant? Which doctor am I going to see? My internet search history looks like this: the best baby cribs, pregnancy and the working woman, cute animal baby onesies… you get the drift.
The closer I get to “that time of the month”, the more agonizing my wait gets.
Then comes the disappointment. Like clockwork. There’s that fateful moment when I discover the crime scene I was afraid I would. Somewhere deep down I saw it coming but I refused to expect it. I must have “faith” right? So, faith I had. I believed with all my heart and hoped and waited. But, now, I’m upset and devastated.
Why me? Why not this time? Will it ever happen? What did I do wrong?
What follows is a few days of feeling like road kill: completely irrecoverable and totally devastated. My days are quite dismal and my vision is gloomy. I walk around with a heavy cloud over me; but, of course, I mask it ever so well. I pretend I’m fine but I’m in pain inside. I use humor and my extroverted personality to disguise the fresh gnawing lesion in my heart.
But then it happens — the switch! I wake up again one fine morning saying, enough is enough. I’m not going to wallow. I’m going to put my trust in God. I am going to have faith. How flimsy am I to I give up? I need to believe again and slowly but surely, hope springs again.
You see what I mean? It’s vicious this cycle. If you’re going through something similar, you’d understand. Maybe it’s with a different circumstance in life. Maybe it’s with finding the right person you’re meant to be with. Maybe it’s in trying to find out what you’re good at. Maybe it’s looking for the right job. Are you in this loop of desire that ends in devastation? If so, let me share with you something that happened with me this week.
This week has been so pivotal for me. I just went through the “disappointment” part of my cycle last week. I was shattered. But, before I slipped into the loop again, I decided to break it completely. How am I going to do this? I obviously can’t fix it in my own strength. So, I turned to the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to open my eyes to what is really going on here and asked Him to put an end to my misery.
This is what ensued:
I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to go through all of my journal notes over the last year. As some of you know, I journal every day and have a library of my previous notes on an app called Evernote.
I obeyed the Holy Spirit. I dug into my archives and started reading my notes from the past year. What I read scared me more than a Stephen King novel might. I saw a streak of pathetic self-centeredness. My notes were saturated with words like “me”, “my desire”, “I want”, “my future”, “my children”, “my testimony”, “my life”, “my miracle”, “my faith”, etc. It was nauseating. I almost had an out-of-body experience. I saw how I sounded like to God and it disgusted me. I realized that I have been in a selfish and conditional relationship with God, the focus of which has been “my” desire.
I wept. I felt like a veil had been taken off my eyes and a weight off my shoulders. I saw all too instantly that my desire had taken over so many areas of my life. I had let it affect so many things. I desperately asked the Holy Spirit to fill me with a desire for Jesus. For the Great Commission. For the end-time harvest. I begged Him to consume me with desire that will never end in disappointment: a desire for more of Him.
See, here’s the thing: I’m not at all insinuating that it’s wrong to want a life partner, children, a great job, wealth and everything else that almost defines a successful life here on earth. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting any of it. But the problem lies when these wants morph into our life goals; and the Cross and our calling fade away into the background.
I found myself in the precarious position of having made my biggest desire something other than God and His Kingdom.
So, here I am, baring my soul on my blog, trusting it will bless someone. Loving God isn’t easy especially when there are so many things competing for our fascination and attention.
Today, I choose His Kingdom over my kin. I choose His plans over my posterity. I set aside my idea of success and embrace submission to His Will. I choose to love God like He loves me — with no strings attached!
Will I always feel like this? No.
Will I have to make these choices daily? Yes.
Will I still have a desire to have a child with Danny? Yes.
Will I trade my destiny in God for this consuming desire in my soul? No.
Will I see God’s faithfulness in my life? Most definitely yes.
Will I have biological children? I don’t know.
Will I love God even if I don’t? With all my heart.
I’m not afraid to have my heart exposed to you today. I’m not afraid to let you know that you’re not alone if you’re struggling with desire. I encourage you to choose to pursue God every single day wholeheartedly. I encourage you to talk to someone. I encourage you to lean on the Holy Spirit.
Most Flagrantly Yours,
– Becky Lee.